Ngậm ngùi

Năm 1990, Cù Huy Chử, em của Cù Huy Cận, đã thổ lộ với phóng viên: “Huy Cận rất thương cô em gái út. Vì nhà nghèo lại đông con nên ông phải vào Huế giúp việc cho một người bà con để được nuôi ăn học. Ở nhà cô út chỉ quanh quẩn bên mẹ. Ngày xưa liên lạc đâu phải dễ dàng. Cô út khoảng 10 tuổi thì bị đậu mùa rồi qua đời. Nghỉ hè, Huy Cận về nhà mới biết em út đã mất. Ông ra thăm mộ em ở cuối vườn, nơi có trồng mấy cây thông reo. Cỏ mắc cỡ lẫn cỏ dại trùm cả ngôi mộ”.

Sau đó, vào năm 1991, chính Huy Cận cũng xác nhận hoàn cảnh để sáng tác bài thơ “Ngậm ngùi” là đúng như em trai của ông đã nói: Viết sau khi thăm mộ của em gái nhỏ bạc mệnh.

NGẬM NGÙI

Nắng chia nửa bãi; chiều rồi...

Vườn hoang trinh nữ xếp đôi lá rầu.

Sợi buồn con nhện giăng mau;

Em ơi! hãy ngủ... anh hầu quạt đây.

Lòng anh mở với quạt này;

Trăm con chim mộng về bay đầu giường.

Ngủ đi em, mộng bình thường!

Ru em sẵn tiếng thuỳ dương mấy bờ...

Cây dài bóng xế ngẩn ngơ...

- Hồn em đã chín mấy mùa thương đau?

Tay anh em hãy tựa đầu,

Cho anh nghe nặng trái sầu rụng rơi...

(Huy Cận)

Quote vặt 15

10 tuổi: Bố mẹ dặn bạn phải HỌC GIỎI, để sau này có được 1 công việc ỔN ĐỊNH, rồi còn kiếm tiền nuôi thân.

14 tuổi: Bố mẹ tiếp tục dặn bạn phải CỐ HỌC THẬT GIỎI, để thi được vào 1 trường CẤP 3 tốt, rồi còn thi ĐẠI HỌC nữa.

18 tuổi: Bạn thi đỗ vào 1 trường ĐẠI HỌC, đúng như tâm nguyện của bố mẹ. Với 1 chuyên ngành cũng khá hot, mà bạn nghĩ là xã hội sẽ cần.

22 tuổi: bạn TỐT NGHIỆP đại học, nhưng chuyên ngành của bạn lại không dễ tìm việc như bạn nghĩ. Mấy năm đầu bạn phải chạy shipper, rồi Grab, Be,...đủ thứ nghề để kiếm sống.

26 tuổi: bạn tìm được 1 CÔNG VIỆC, tiền lương không nhiều, nhưng cũng tạm ỔN ĐỊNH. Bạn thường xuyên phải làm muộn đến tận khuya để hoàn thành xong công việc của mình.

30 tuổi: bạn KẾT HÔN, cô ấy do 1 người quen giới thiệu cho bố mẹ bạn. Bạn chưa muốn cưới do lương còn chưa đủ nuôi thân, nhưng rồi để chiều lòng bố mẹ, bạn gật đầu đồng ý.

34 tuổi: Sức khỏe bạn ngày càng yếu đi, công việc thì ngày một nhiều hơn, lời hứa thăng tiến lại tiếp tục được lùi vô thời hạn. Cô vợ rỉ tai bạn: "Con trai mình tháng sau lên mẫu giáo lớn, song ngữ 7 triệu/tháng". Bạn nhíu mày, cô ấy to tiếng: "Anh đã như vậy, anh muốn con cũng như anh sao?" Bạn lặng đi, rút điện thoại chuyển khoản cho vợ thêm 3 triệu, tiền ấy bạn tính sẽ tự thưởng cho mình bộ Vest mới, vì mới được tăng thêm 10% lương sau 3 năm cống hiến hết mình.

38 tuổi: Thằng bé vào lớp 1. Cô chủ nhiệm nói: "Năm đầu tiên rất QUAN TRỌNG ! Phụ đạo một tháng khoảng 3 triệu". Bạn lặng đi. Đang tính đi học 1 khóa đầu tư để thoát nghèo, nhưng thôi, thấy người ta bảo đầu tư cho con cái là khoản đầu tư mang lại lợi nhuận tốt nhất.

42 tuổi: Thế rồi nó cũng sắp lên được cấp hai, thầy chủ nhiệm nói: "Năm ĐẦU TIÊN rất quan trọng", bạn cười: "vâng, em đang tính cho cháu đi học thêm". Dự định năm nay mua 1 hợp đồng bảo hiểm nhân thọ, nhưng chắc thôi, lo cho con ăn học trước đã, rồi tính sau.

46 tuổi: Một ngày, khi vừa đi học về, thằng bé chạy đến ôm bạn và nói: "Ba, con muốn học Piano. Ba mua cho con 1 chiếc đàn nha". Câu "Ba làm gì có tiền" những năm tháng gần đây, bạn đã nói quá nhiều, nhưng lần này không hiểu sao KHÔNG NÓI NÊN LỜI.

50 tuổi: Con trai thi được vào 1 trường ĐẠI HỌC cũng không tồi lắm, chắc có lẽ cũng tốt hơn trường bạn ngày xưa. Như vậy là tốt rồi. Lại đúng chuyên ngành của bố. Chắc giờ cũng dễ tìm việc, nhưng mà học phí sao lại cao vậy nhỉ? Không biết còn phải đầu tư cho nó học đến bao giờ.

54 tuổi: Hôm nay con trai bạn TỐT NGHIỆP đại học. Bạn lấy hết can đảm, xin cấp trên kém hơn bạn 15 tuổi cho phép được nghỉ buổi sáng, tới trường dự lễ tốt nghiệp của con. Rồi còn đi mua cho nó cái XE MÁY nữa. ĐÃ HỨA mấy năm nay rồi, mà ngày nào nó cũng hỏi.

58 tuổi: Bạn đi làm về sau 1 chầu nhậu say khướt với Sếp, chỉ thẳng mặt thằng con: "Mày suốt ngày lông bông, chọn cái nghề tử tế mà làm, dẹp mẹ ba cái thứ ĐAM MÊ VỚ VẨN đi".

Ấy thế thôi mà lại thành cãi lộn. Chỉ nhớ mang máng câu cuối nó nói: "Con không muốn sống CUỘC ĐỜI NHƯ BA". Bạn phát hiện ra mình đã già, không đủ lý lẽ để nói lại nó, chỉ biết hét lên: "Tao là thằng bố của mày đấy!" Ấy thế mà nó cũng bỏ nhà đi mấy ngày

62 tuổi: Bạn nghe nói nhà nước chính thức cho tăng tuổi hưu của nam lên 65. Tin vui nhất trong cuộc đời, vậy là được NGỒI KHÔNG hưởng lương thêm 3 năm nữa. Thằng con cũng nói đến chuyện kết hôn. Vậy là lại phải chạy vạy lo cho nó cái đám cưới, để được như CON NHÀ NGƯỜI TA

66 tuổi: Vậy là bạn đã NGHỈ HƯU được gần 1 năm. Bạn 1 mình nhâm nhi chén rượu cùng mấy cái chân gà luộc. Sống bằng đồng lương hưu quả không dễ dàng. Sau từng đó năm đi làm, thu nhập cũng có tăng, mà sao kiếm được đồng nào, là hết đồng đó. Hơn 40 năm làm việc cật lực, chỉ để dành tiết kiệm được có vài chục triệu. Không hiểu sao nước mắt bất chợt ứa ra, chắc là do rượu cay quá, chứ gần THẤT THẬP CỔ LAI HY rồi, ai lại khóc như đứa trẻ vậy?

70 tuổi: Cả nhà làm lễ MỪNG THỌ cho bạn. Thằng con tặng bạn 1 chuyến du lịch Phú Quốc, vì cả cuộc đời vất vả, CHƯA CÓ DỊP đi nhiều. Nửa kia bên bạn cũng đã 40 năm cuộc đời; cãi vã, bất đồng cũng nhiều, mà có vẻ như cũng lâu rồi chưa được đi đâu. Lần này có lẽ cũng là cơ hội để cả hai H M NÓNG tình cảm. Chuẩn bị cả tháng trời, khi chỉ còn vài ngày nữa là lên đường, thì hỡi ôi, Covid khiến hãng bay hủy chuyến vô thời hạn

74 tuổi: Năm Covid thứ 4, thế giới hiện giờ chỉ còn 1 nửa. Giờ mọi thứ đã trở nên bình thường, thiên nhiên đã dần phục hồi trở lại, không khí đã trở nên trong lành hơn rất nhiều, biển đã xanh lại như xưa. Bạn quyết định sẽ cùng người vợ đã gắn bó và hy sinh cả cuộc đời cho gia đình, sẽ đi chơi một chuyến. Thế nhưng cây gậy trong tay chỉ có thể giúp bạn đi từ trong nhà ra đầu ngõ mua thuốc rồi quay về.

78 tuổi: Bạn nằm trên giường bệnh, tỉnh lại sau cơn mê, xung quanh là toàn bộ người thân bạn bè, đồng nghiệp..vợ và con bạn bắt đầu khóc...Bạn nhận ra...bạn đang ở rất gần NGƯỠNG CỬA TỬ THẦN..Bạn muốn để lại chút tài sản cho con cháu, nhưng chợt nhớ ra, mình cũng đã bán sạch để chữa bệnh mấy năm qua.

Đột nhiên bạn tự hỏi: Mình thực sự đã CHẾT từ khi nào? Bạn nhớ lại khoảnh khắc Khi bạn nhận tấm bằng TỐT NGHIỆP đại học.

Rồi bạn tự hỏi, mình có thực sự đã 1 lần nào đó DÁM SỐNG cho BẢN THÂN mình???

Câu hỏi dường như quá khó để trả lời. Bạn nhắm mắt và lại 1 lần nữa, như hàng trăm lần trước đó…

Người ta cứ hay xem chỉ tay rồi định nghĩa cuộc đời mình theo các vạch kẻ. Nhưng chẳng phải nó nằm trong lòng bàn tay bạn đó sao?

Nguồn: facebook "Đọc sách hay là chết"

What prevents software engineers from moving up to staff or principal engineer roles, and how can this be overcome?

I used to be a Senior Principal Software Engineer at Raytheon (ages ago). There are a lot of things that block engineers from advancing, and they should. Any engineer who does not support the following activities will have a hard time advancing.

- Documentation - if you never leave a trail of breadcrumbs, you will be stuck answering the same questions about your code for years to come.

- Avoiding self-directed changes - many software engineers have a desire to make small tweaks to code when there was no justifiable need. If the product works properly, leave it alone. If there are issues with the product, submit a change request so your changes can be funded.

- Not focusing on the big picture - the key to advancement is positive exposure to senior management. They want people who think at the architectural level, understand the impacts of process mechanics, can spot a vendor pushing vaporware, and realize cost and profit matter.

- The 12-year-old dress code - it does get in the way. If you want the senior folks to take you as a professional, try to do better than the Metallica T shirt with shorts and flip-flops. Executives like to have their senior people in tow. Executives do not want to be reminded of the disaffected teens they raised.

- Never call your guess a fact - this will burn you faster than the President. You never want to feed an executive with an incorrect and unqualified hunch. I have seen employees used as floss after supplying a bad guess.

A former Raytheon CEO had a set of rules. Look for Swanson’s rules. There is a funny and dark story behind the rules. Raytheon PR mistakenly oversold these off as Swanson’s rules, but he was referencing someone else’s work.

Source: Quora

Swanson's Unwritten Rules of Management: https://www.leadershipnow.com/minute0014.html

Quote vặt 14

If you are just "employed" in Cyber Security, you are at risk. Here's why.

Most people like to conform. They put all their trust into the company they work for. They work hard and hope to get that 3% pay raise they think they are entitled to. They hope in a few more years they will earn that extra week of vacation. They also hope to get that promotion they've been wanting "if" management thinks they deserve it. However, that's a lot of hope.

Why do people do this? Because it's comfortable.

However, comfortable is VERY dangerous place to be.

I've never been one to conform to that mindset. Let me explain.

Let's face it. Most businesses go into business for one reason. It's profit. If they can eliminate a position or replace someone with a more economical option, they will sometimes do it. That's ok though because it is their business, and they are entitled to it.

What most people don't realize is that many states have "at-will" employment. This means that the business at any time can make cuts, give work to contractors, or make other personnel changes to save money. They are not obligated to employ you. They don't owe you anything but your last paycheck.

I was a victim of this many years back. I had a great job and made a fantastic income. I did well at my job and loved it. However, I was eliminated because a contractor was cheaper. I lost my job. It was all about bottom line. I had kids, bills, and food to put on the table.

It was then that I realized how dangerous it was to put all your trust into your job or the company you work for. Yes, there are fantastic companies out there including the one that I work for now. However, that business is not responsible for your livelihood. Why?

Because you are.

Your well-being relies on your personal brand. What does this mean?

Your personal brand is the following:

1. What you are about

What do you stand for? What do you like to be around? Are you someone that people want to be around?

2. How good you are at what you do (technically)

How well do you stack against others in this field? Are there solid reasons they should pick you over others? Do you have what it takes?

3. How well you market yourself

You may be great at everything above, but how do others know this? Are you out there (i.e, LinkedIn) proactively and found by employers and opportunities?

Even when you are in that dream position, you need to take care of your personal brand. Your inbox should be filled up with messages from recruiters that want you. Why? Even though you are happy, it is a great sign that your brand is attractive, and that opportunity is still coming your way. Keep the pipeline full.

What would your employment gap be if you lost your current job? Will your personal brand carry you to the next opportunity within a week or two? If not, you have work to do.

Rely on your brand, not your employer.

Source: Mike Miller Linkedin

How to lead people who are smarter than you

Steve Jobs, who was famous for his hiring and recruiting practices, believed a small team of A+ players could run circles around a giant team of B and C players. He was thoroughly convinced that the quality of the team was everything.

Many leaders are reluctant to hire as Jobs did. They settle for dependable but less stellar teams—in part because they feel threatened or intimidated at the prospect of leading someone smarter than they are.

Leading a team of exceptionally bright people does require skill, but as Jobs proved again and again, the payoff is well worth it. Here are some pointers for getting the most out of your own A+ employees:

Don't be intimidated. Leaders tend to think they need to have all the answers—and to be terrified when they don't. But your role as leader is not to know everything; it's to set the stage. That means working to sustain and support people who are more experienced, up to date and talented than you. It may feel disconcerting at first, but it will serve you well in the future. You do have to know enough to be conversant—so let your stars take center stage while you ask the questions, do the reading, learn and investigate.

Confront your fears. It's natural to feel fearful when you are leading people who are smarter than you. Whether you're afraid of being shown up, of looking unprepared and foolish, or even of being passed over for advancement while someone who was below you rises above, face your fears and work through them. Then remember that hiring the smartest people is ultimately an act of confidence and smart leadership.

Don't micromanage. I've seen this happen a lot: a leader feels insecure so they overcompensate for what they don't know by becoming a controlling micromanager. Remember, your role as leader is to allow the smart people to do what they do best. Support them but don't hover. Keep your actions empowering and maintain strong relationships with your team members by providing support and resources and then stepping aside.

Get educated. I believe it always helps to have a learner's inquisitive mindset. If you consider yourself a student rather than an authority figure, you can more easily share your concerns and ask others to include you in discussions that will help you learn. Let those around you know you want to learn from them and be deliberate about creating opportunities to make it happen. You don't have to try and become an expert, but gain insight into what your people do and it will give you the acumen you need to keep up with those around you.

Stay vulnerable. If you hear that people are questioning your leadership capabilities, be transparent with what you've heard, and what you think, and what you plan on doing about it. Don't go in trying to safeguard your ego. Instead, approach the situation with a mix of vulnerability and strength, and figure out how you are going to work together and support each other.

Seek good counsel. Find someone who can listen to and advise you. It may be a peer, a coach, or a mentor. Speak to them candidly, share your concerns, ask for help. Sitting with fearful or anxious feelings often makes things worse, but seeking counsel might help ease your emotional load.

Add value. As a leader, your role is best served when you are able to bring people together and be there for them in ways no one else can. The best leaders don't always coach, but they do consistently add value by providing support and resources to their team.

Lead from within. You don't always have to be the smartest person in the room—you just have to have that person on your team, give them the support they need, and get out of their way.

Source lollydaskal.com

As a software engineer, what should be my plan after 40s when I am too expensive for any company

The ugly reality is that you are "unwanted" after 40s. Your income is way above the US National median income. You are sitting over a time bomb. Your organization just tolerates you somehow. You are an expensive overhead for them specially if you haven't kept pace with the latest technology landscape of AI, data science, cloud computing, block chain, machine learning and big data. Worst part is even if you agree to work for less they won't hire you; they want to maintain the median age & HR pyramid.

In a nutshell you are a waste, a useless tissue paper after the 40s, chances are that in your personal life also you are not doing that great, you are either going through a severe mid life crisis fantasizing or repenting about your youth or you are going through a divorce. You are going downhill, craving for opposite sex attention. You are constantly bogged down by your slightly younger friends who are posting their pictures with exotic locales on facebook and their superb professional achievements on LinkedIn. You think about quitting all the social media channels. Its robbing you off your mental peace.

Unless you bring a strong value proposition to the table; a turn around specialist, a game changer with high revenue & turnover history, a high performer as Satya Nadella or the likes, its literally the retirement age in the software world and its curtains for you.

What to do now : Is it the end of the road?

The best thing to do as an SOS is to bring down your salary to National Median income. Lets say if you decide to become a teacher, you will have zero threat and fears & lesser competition for your salary. Initially you will feel terribly humiliated & depressed to drop yourself from the peak of your career to a trough. All that time, when you were so much in control, much ahead of your peers, luck was by your side, all those long term deputations abroad will haunt you.

Even the universities or the school will grill you for such a dramatic change in the career path with no academic experience. The people around you, the small town atmosphere, non corporate, blue collar everything. You will have to shun your extravagant lifestyle; the only silver lining will be that your painful tax outgo will drastically reduce & you will have the "free time" to experiment with how you can turn your passion into a living (for example blogging, writing & training) & get set on the path of entrepreneur-ism.

Life is not worth learning multitude of skills all at the same time; languages, architecture, program management, processes, delivery, people and all that BS and the irony is that even after that & so much experience you have to sell yourself to companies to go back to rat race and lick boots of your bosses. Moreover none of those people are going to be at your side when you are in crisis.

So I would rather be a freelancer, a trainer, a professor, entrepreneur or if nothing I could wait tables at a restaurant, or become an admin in a university or take up farming and live way below my means & pursue my passion all day, all night long after 40s.

This is what the essence of life is "Change". Things change, seasons change, time change, people change and everything changes. This is what humanity is all about. Fight, struggle, adjust to change & hope for betterment. Those who remain in comfort zone are left behind.

It is not the strongest nor the most intelligent of the species that survive, but the ones who are most adaptable to "change" that survive.

Source: quora.com

What is the difference between genuinely smart people and people trying to be smart?

It's a few things in my view. First one is the need (or lack of) to advertise how smart they are. All the genuinely smart people I know don't try to inject how smart they are into conversations by jumping off topic onto some personal story or new subject they know a lot about. They're comfortable in their intelligence and how it comes across that they don't feel the need to wear it like a neon sign. Their intelligence isn't there to impress other people, it's there for them and their use. If other people notice it and admire it, great. But they don't need it.

The second thing is the genuinely smart person is teachable. They know that no matter how smart they are, there is someone who knows more than they do and rather than feel threatened by that, they take full advantage of it. They listen when the expert talks, they ask questions, they take criticism and they are always willing and eager to learn more.

Third and final thing that I've noticed is that the things a genuinely smart person is that they lack snobbery in regards to their area of expertise. I know that sounds weird, so let me explain. One of my closet friends (who doubles as my first cousin) is super passionate about classic literature. She read books like Othello, My Antonia, and Jane Eyre in middle school, for fun rather than by force. Since then, she'd obtained a BA in Philosophy (another favorite reading material) and is working on her Master's in English Literature. Ans guess what? As much as she loves her classic works, she also loves more modern work, like Harry Potter or The Fault in Our Stars. In other words, my friend doesn't put on airs, looking down at other aspects of her subject as “lesser” because they're not as serious or impacting as “classic work”. She appreciates all of it for what it is, either deeply philosophical or just a nice afternoon of fun. She knows liking more “easy” subject matter doesn't mean she's not intelligent-it just means she likes to read a lot and has varied tastes.

These are key traits that someone who is merely trying to be smart will lack. They will have to remind you, constantly, how smart they are. It'll be subtle and overt and guess what, it'll be all talk and little, if any walk to match it. And the moment you call into question their expertise? They're not going to realize they have more to learn, they're gonna have their hackles up and bite you for daring to suggest they're not a genius. You suggest that it might be fun to make a baking soda volcano? The response probably is: “that's so childish, I only like serious experiments”.

If you see any of those popping up, you're probably in the presence of someone who's trying very hard to be seen as smart, versus actually being smart.

Answered by Isabelle-Grey

————————————————————

People who try to appear to act smart generally do some of the things listed below while people who are smart generally don't:

- Use big words when unnecessary
- Point out the lack of knowledge in a person in the attempt to make themselves look more knowledgeable
- Talk about abstract ideas for no real reason
- Talk really fast to demonstrate that they can think faster than you
- Assume they know what you are talking about rather than actually listening
- Explain things in excess when not needed

Those points above are some things to watch out for to help you determine if a person is actually smart or is just trying to act the part.

Below I touch on some things that smart people do that people who are acting the part don't do

If someone really is smart they usually have more self doubt.

The people that have the least amount of self doubt are the ones who probably aren't actually a smart person.

Of course if someone knows something then they will stand firm by their knowledge, generally speaking though, smart people are more aware of the fact that they don't really know all that much in the grand scheme of things.

So pay attention to the people who show self doubt. They are most likely the real deal.

If you know you know something, you don't have to prove it to others that you know it.

We humans all like social approval and our knowledge and worth to be recognized by others.

That being said though, if you notice that someone is seeking after the recognition of others rather than focusing more on making sure they are doing everything properly, then this indicates that they are trying to act smart rather than being the part.

This is because they are more concerned about looking right than being right.

Smart people focus on honestly being right rather than looking the part.

Even if others think a smart person is wrong that won't stop the smart person since they know they aren't.

A smart person knows when they know something and are not as concerned with looking right because they'd rather be right.

Another way to determine if a person is smart or not is to listen to them.

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

At first just assume that every thing a person says is true... 

Then when you talk to them about what they've said, asking genuine questions about the things they've indicated to you that they have knowledge on, they will demonstrate if they actually know what they are talking about or not.

If they start saying contradictory things or things that don't make a lot of sense ask them for clarification about it.

If their clarification leads to more confusion this is a sign that they really are just spouting nonsense about something they really don't know about.

The best way to catch a liar is to just ask him questions about what happened.

With time it will become apparent what the truth really is.

Main Thing to Look out for:

The main thing to look out for is if the person is trying to convince you to think of them as a smart person. When you meet people just ask yourself if what they're doing seems to be with the intent of persuading you to think they are smart. Doing this should give you a better idea of what the person is all about.

Answered by David-Brown

Source: quora.com

How people manipulate you by making you regret

There's something about the dark which pulls out feelings we're numb to during the day.

As your monitor lights up your face in the dark room you sit in before getting into bed, you can sometimes get lost in thinking about the state of your social relationships and the progress of your plans.

The nighttime's darkness allows us to analyse how people treated us during the day with a meditative clarity. You start remembering times when people made you feel unwanted, times when prideful individuals gleefully showed off their material possessions, and times when your boss didn't value your output at work.

You start labeling those who possess narcissistic qualities as you think about them further. You realize just how hungry, for what they call success, some people are. You're astounded by the criminals, and are taken aback by those who lie without blinking an eye. They're always in a rush and only focus on themselves. Attainment of wealth and status blinds them to what you call the deeper meanings of life.

As you think about the people in your life before bed, you start to wonder if any of them ever think about you.

Certain thoughts just don't seem to go away however; they conversely grow and poke at our emotions. Someone's nefarious reminder of our potential regrets is particularly powerful in being lodged inside our minds.

"Be sure you won't regret leaving this job for another."

Every action we commit is one that's set in stone for the history books. After their performance, our actions can only be thought about, and their effects can only be celebrated, regretted, or hopefully fixed.

The aim of this article is to help you understand how others may manipulate you by encouraging you to feel regret.

Why eliciting self doubt in others is easy to do

The nefarious induction, and encouragement, of regret in others is the weaponization of a possible truth which is difficult to prove. Regret is seldom crystal clear in its reasoning. It's difficult to regret something with one hundred percent certainty as we never truly know whether our actions were a completely terrible idea.

Regret is grey, it's fuzzy.

Yes, you may regret being up front with the cute person at the bar only to get rejected, but would you regret the same act if your direct advances paid off? Is it thereby worth regretting an action if subjectivity plays a massive role in how successful that course of action is?

Yes, you may regret lashing out at your parents for allowing their worry for you to overstep some privacy boundaries. What if your reaction was warranted? How do you know you wouldn't react the same way again if you felt the same emotions?

You can even come to regret doing many things you've long considered to be good ideas. Regret is born out of feeling like you're missing out on a more optimal course of action. You should've said this instead of that. You should've went here instead of there. Once you come up with a better "there," then your "here," has the potential to be regretted.

The fuzziness and slippery nature of regret is what people who seek to induce regret weaponize. They understand that the potential to regret always looms over our shoulders as we act our way through life. Nobody has this thing figured out. We take a series of calculated risks; day in and day out. They understand that regret can always have the potential to be true, even if someone's mightily confident in what they've done.

"You should've bought the flight that overlays in Manila, it's always a few hundred dollars cheaper."

All that's required for regret to sprout and spread its roots in the mind of another is the introduction of a better action, outcome, or situation than what in fact took place.

Why regret is powerful in submitting

Riding the wave of the potential truth behind regret, the malicious individual thereby seems to know something you don't when they introduce regret into the picture. They arm themselves with a perceived knowledge about what you should have done, and what you should've said.

By making you feel a sense of regret, they place themselves in a dominant position as it relates to yours. Their confidence wouldn't have a wedge stuck in it, as they go on to stick a wedge in the confidence you acted with prior to speaking with them.

When someone makes you feel regret, they place themselves in a position to teach you and give advice. Once they elicit a sense of regret about the past within you, malicious individuals will jump at the chance to mold your actions into the future.

They'll place themselves as the knowledgeable one and will reinforce your potential regret of the past. Such individuals will make you feel inadequate in the context of what they coerce you to regret. They'll make you feel unskilled, and will tend to make themselves out to be as skillful.

These individuals will utilize a potential possibility of regret being right for you to feel as a chance for themselves to come out on top. They'll be less interested in figuring out whether you really should be regretting what you did and will be more interested in continually making you feel it.

A person who regrets is a person who is generally at a crossroads. They are generally more lost than the confident trailblazers. They're more susceptible to being coerced, pressured, and manipulated. Be wary of individuals who consistently mention the possibility of regret around you. Try to pick out the ones who seek to capitalize on your act of regretting your past actions in an effort to place themselves above you.

Source: kletische.com

7 ways to take control of your mind

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a negative voice inside his head. It’s part of life. It’s called free will. It gives you the chance to make smart choices, improve your self and grow to become a better version of yourself.

But until those benefits happen, you have to deal with negative thoughts that ambush you all day and night. Sometimes they hide in the depths of your subconscious mind, and at other times they are right in front of your face. During the day, negative thinking is more manageable. You are distracted by work, family, and responsibility. Then night rolls around, and you think you’re ok. You fall asleep but four hours later, you are jolted awake staring into the darkness. Did you ever notice that your negative voices are louder in the dark?

That’s when you lose control. Your twisted thoughts distort reality. Not knowing what to do, you sit back and watch the horror movie in your mind. Helpless and spiraling out of control, you try hard but can’t stop the frightening images your imagination has created.

Since negative thoughts are sneaky, and they appear in disguise, they show up as fear, doubt, or anxiety. Just one small thought and your imagination is triggered,  tumbling into a wild whirling cyclone that knocks you off your feet. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can change your thought process.

TAKING BACK CONTROL

Mind control is a character strength that improves the quality of your life. You may not be able to stop the initial trigger thought, but you can take back the controls and not succumb to them. You don’t have to get swept away.

Here’s how to get a grip on it:

1. Be aware. Be prepared

When you are aware, you are mentally strong enough to fight off the thoughts you don’t want.  Negative thinking happens to everyone. No one (that I know) can escape the initial trigger thought. What matters most is what happens after it that one thought.  I’m not saying that you should become anxious waiting for negativity to arrive,  it just means that when you are aware, you recognize when that trigger thought happens and knock it out immediately. The more aware you are, the quicker you grab hold of your mind and take back the control.

2. Name it

When you are stuck in negativity, and feel yourself falling into dark thoughts, stop the cycle by naming it. Whether you whisper it, or say it out loud, naming it causes a separation in your subconscious mind. That is enough to break the cycle. When I was suffering from panic attacks, naming what was happening is what saved me. The negative force is strong but you can be stronger. Name it to stop the cycle.

3. Fear is illogical

I remember when I was having hurricane shutters put up on my 14th-floor apartment. The workmen were hanging on ropes on the side of the building. There was no balcony beneath them or anything to fall onto, except the ground below. When they finished, they came into the apartment. I was standing there with my sweet, gentle 85-pound Labrador on a leash when one of the high-flying workers freaked out. He was so afraid of my dog; he wouldn’t step foot in the apartment. He’d rather stay on the balcony railing 14 stories high (where he jumped to) than come near my dog. I had to take my dog to another room so he could come in. It taught me an important lesson;  a person can be incredibly brave in one aspect of life, and illogically fearful in another. Fear makes no sense.

4. Erase and Replace

Sometimes just saying, “erase and replace” is enough. It’s a positive mantra that kicks out negativity and makes room for positive thoughts to enter. It also helps to have a “replace” statement ready for use when you need it.  One word is all you need. You may choose, “stop” or “no” or “go.” Chant it. Repeat it over and over again. Scream it, sing it, or be creative. Find a replacement word or phrase that will stop the negative cyclone. Other simple and helpful phrases are, let go or everything is fine. Find a replacement that will stop the negativity. Isn’t that why the song from Frozen become so popular? Even little kids subconsciously appreciate the importance of letting go.

5. Do a reality check

Many times I’ve given myself a gentle pat on my face just to snap back to reality. The imagination is a strong force when the negative thought cyclone gets hold of it. You believe what you think. When in reality, it’s just a movie you have created in your mind. And if you’re a creative person; your creations are intense, making them more realistic. If you’re into statistics, this one is easy. What are the chances of your visions becoming reality? Sadly, our loved ones put themselves in situations that haunt us all day and night. So it’s up to you to wipe out those thoughts and bring yourself back to reality.

6. Present Moment Mindfulness

If you are going to take control of your thoughts, you need a mental support system. Present Moment Mindfulness works instantly. When you are caught up in the negative whirlwind, recognize it, erase and replace, and bring your attention to whatever you are doing. If you are washing the dishes and feel your mind meandering onto a dark path, notice what you are doing and whisper it, I am washing the dishes. I feel the soap bubbling on my hands. The water feels warm, and then let yourself go with it. It sounds silly at first, but it really works. My favorite phrase from a meditation I used to teach is… breathing in I feel calm, breathing out I feel ease. Calm, ease, calm, ease.

7. It’s your choice

Remember, this is your freedom of choice; your chance to determine which path you want to take-who you want to be with, what career you want to be in, and what you want to eat for dinner. It’s up to you. You get to choose how long the negativity stays in your mind.

Source: addrc.org